It’s life Jim, but not as we know it. (Part 3)

01 Jul

It’s 12:30 on the morning of the 1st January 2021, New Years day. My first footers and other visitors have left, heading back home through the snow. I remember in years gone by, even ten years ago, people used to party until the dawn, go home and sleep and start all over again at 9;00 the next evening. Those were the days. Indeed those were very, very different days entirely.

I’ve a big insurance to pay in the next week or so. It’s my fire insurance. I can’t afford to use a lot of electricity so I have to use candles for light, which makes my fire insurance very, very expensive. It’s impressive that the insurance companies still take on the fire insurance although they don’t make any money from it at all. They’ve been really good and have funded scientists to do research which shows just how incredibly dangerous candles are and since the danger is unprecedented the premiums may well have to increase just a bit. Well maybe more than a bit but what can the insurance companies do? Their hands are tied and they are trying their best for their customers. I may well volunteer to tie their hands a bit more tightly though, just to do my bit.

The fire brigade has also warned that candles are very dangerous just like they used to do with cigarettes. No one smokes anymore though because it’s against the law.  It’s been proven that if your neighbour keeps an unopened packet of cigarettes in a closed drawer in their bedroom through the wall from you, you may well get cancer! Good job we had a warning from health experts about that it must have saved the lives of hundreds if not thousands!!

No one drinks alcohol either, well when I say no one I’m not including the politicians and people with loads of money.

Apparently, politicians and people with loads of money need access to good quality alcohol to help them reduce the stress they are subjected to, Those splendid health experts received funding from politicians and people with loads of money. The health experts carried out exhaustive (or was that exhausting? I can’t remember which) experiments which showed that politicians and people with loads of money should indeed be given access to good quality alcohol. Low quality just isn’t suitable apparently; it has to be the very, very best of stuff.

I wasn’t surprised at that at all. I know that politicians and people with loads of money work incredibly long hours. I’ve heard that they work 36 hours a day. I only get 24 hours in my day, which is probably why I’m poor. A 24 hour day is exhausting more difficult to afford food, heating and insurance and to avoid cancer coming through the walls etc.,

In fact, maybe I should ask for a shorter day. Say twelve hours. Then I could maybe afford to live and maybe I would live twice as long? All I need to do is find a scientist or a specialist who will find that 24 hours is bad and twelve hours is good. I’ve no money though, so I’m not confident about finding someone who can find the right findings for me.

It’s the New Year so at least I can look forward to the Boat Race, the Grand National, and Glastonbury.

The Boat race is no longer on the Thames or in an actual boat since the boat might pollute the Thames or the rowing might disturb the wildlife. The crews do still row though, but they use rowing machine simulators with built in power generators with the crew who generate the most electricity in an hour win. It’s the Light Greens against the Dark Greens these days.

The Grand National no longer features very small men getting horses to run and jump over a lot of very huge fences. Now we have very large men jumping through hoops with horses on their backs. Fatalities are rare now but they do happen. It’s no problem though since it will just be a human and the horse will be fine.

Now Glastonbury has actually got much, much bigger. It’s carbon footprint is larger than a small country and the pollution actually gets in the watercourse. Bet that surprised you. Well the major sponsors Greenfleeced, Waterpaid and Taxfan investigated the damage to the environment and found that is was pretty bad but was more than offset by the significant increase in their bank account funds positive due to the donations made during the festival. Sounds like everyone benefited there then

I’m off to bed then. Well I say bed what I mean is I’ll try to fall asleep on my chair in my clothes and an overcoat since I can only afford a wee bit of heating in the lounge only.

I may risk listening to the news so I can catch up with today’s health risks provided thoughtfully by the BBC on behalf of those splendid health experts. I may even get carried away (not literally though please) and listen to news on two channels which will double the number of health scares I’m exposed to.

This is the life. Or perhaps this is the life that other people who claim to know better then me think I should enjoy.

This concludes the vision of the year 2021.

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