That’s a kind of a strange title for a post. You know what they are called. They are Mr and Mrs Smith or Jones or any other of millions of diverse and far-flung names. Maybe you’re on first name terms even?
I have a sneaking suspicion that we all have made up names for our neighbours based on that tried and tested scientific process which involves asking friends and family what they call their neighbours. The evidence suggest that if we don’t know neighbours too well we may refer to them by a name we make up which matches our perception of them.
That being the case I thought it might be fun to share some of those names whilst, of course, maintaining anonymity for everyone. I’ll begin shall I since it was my idea to do this?
I’ll start off with a chap who used to lived opposite me. I wasn’t entirely sure of his name but one Saturday morning it became obvious what it really was. I looked out of the windows and saw him opening the curtains in his bedroom and he was quite bald, the a few minutes later I saw him open the downstairs lounge curtains with a full head of hair. You know what his nickname became don’t you? Wiggy. It couldn’t really be anything else.
Next door to him was Mr Angry. I’ve no idea if he was permanently angry but his red face certainly suggested he might be. The next house featured Mrs Efficient who was always organised, worked in a local shop and was very quick at serving people. The Captain’s Wife lived at the other side, so called because her husband was in the merchant navy.
There was also Dirty Stop Out Girl so called as she was regularly brought home mid-afternoon at weekends still wearing the night before glam outfit. Ugly boy and Knob, self-explanatory really, and similarly but requiring a slight hint The Screamer, who seemed to enjoy frolicking with her boyfriend somewhat in a vocally descriptive manner. She lived next door and could be quite annoying at times as the screaming sometimes took place during Question Time. Perhaps political debate was boring for her or perhaps even a lot more interesting than most viewers found it?
The Accountants looked like they should have been and it turned out they were and Mrs Into The Wood always had really severe haircuts. My lawyer became Harvey Wallbanger because his first name was Harvey. The other one was an elderly lady who knew my wife’s name but always referred to me as … the other one.
Torn Faced Shite was a grumpy woman who must have suffered with continual grumping syndrome; it’s the only explanation I can think of. No Ma Pal was so called due to her being a bit nippy whilst her sister who tended to smile a lot more.
None of these were created with malice and they were never repeated to people outside of immediate family.
I wonder what names my neighbours have for me? Or perhaps I’m the most childish person in the galaxy and no one calls their neighbours anything but their correct name?
Normal doom and gloom will be restored tomorrow. Oh goody