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London calling.

10 Jan

Alex Salmonds secretary (ASS) – “Hey Alex there’s a telephone call for you”.

Alex Salmond (AS) – “Well who is it? I’m a busy man, I have a country to run, I can’t speak to just everyone who phones up you know”.

ASS – “Wait a minute then…. It’s Dave apparently”

AS – “Who?”

ASS – “Dave. Dave from London.

AS – “ I don’t know any Dave. Dave from London? London is a big place you know.”

ASS – “Oh for goodness sake Alex it’s Dave. You know! Call me Dave, Hug a hoodie Dave, I have a veto and I’m not afraid to use it Dave! Cameron? You know the Prime Minster of the UK.”

AS – “Oh him?”

ASS – “Yes him. He’s on the phone for you”.

AS – “Oh aye, right stick him through and remember to record it. We can play it back at the next cabinet meeting. There’s nothing like a good bit of comedy to finish off the meeting.”

AS – “Hello Dave, it’s a great pleasure to speak with you. How can I help you”?

(Translation – What is it? Whatever it is keep it short so I can phone John Swinney to get me a flat sausage and fired egg roll when he goes to the roll shop).

DC – “Hello Alex it’s a delight to speak with you once again. I do so like our chats. Well Alex, it’s just a small matter which has cropped up. I’m sure you are aware of it. You’re a man with his finger on the pulse after all”.

(Translation – Why do I have to speak to this oik? Someone remind me please! Small matter my bottom. I’m going to try to sink you Sonny Jim. You couldn’t find the pulse if your life depended on it).

AS – “Thanks you for mentioning that. I certainly noticed you were on the BBC on Sunday morning”.

(Smarty. People say I’m the leading politician in the UK, which I am by the way rich boy).

DC – “Ah yes, our friend Andrew. He’s a bit more civilised than that Paxton chap don’t you think?”

(The BBC are loathsome and the quicker I can reduce the license fee to a pittance the better I’ll be pleased. Balance? They wouldn’t recognise balance if it jumped and bit them on the bollocks).

AS – “Marr has always been very pleasant to me and Jeremy’s bark is worse than his bite. I can appreciate how less experienced politicians, unlike ourselves of course Dave, can find him daunting. Did you know Marr is Scottish?”

(Andrew is okay and so is Jeremy but they are not keen on you Dave and you can’t handle them. I would have thought your education would have helped you handle them? No? Thought not).

DC – “I just called to let you know I’ll be speaking about your little plan for a referendum today. I don’t want to do it. You know how it is though. Senior members of the party want me to say something. I thought I’d got out of it by having Nick say something but as usual he messed it up.”

(Oh I’ll be speaking all right you pip squeak. Lets see how you fair with the big boys from London eh? I could really do without the wet input of Nick and his tribe. Good Lord the whole lot of them will do and say anything to stay in power. I’ll be sorting them out soon enough though).

AS – “That’s good of you to let me know Dave. I’d be delighted to hear what you have to say. I’m sure it will continue the civilised debate we’ve had so far.“

(No matter what you say pal, you’ll put your foot in it. If you try to tell the Scots what to do they be voting SNP in absolute droves. As for the Libdems, they’re goners anyway).

DC – “Well Alex, they are insisting I say you have to ask Westminster to allow a referendum and if you press ahead it will be open to legal challenge.”

(We are going to close you down matey. I’ve bigger lawyers than you and lots of mates all over the place with connections. Your days are numbered as far as independence is concerned).”

AS – “That’s fine by me Dave. I’ll have to reply of course but it’s not going to be an all out handbags at dawn situation. The SNP are in for the long haul as you know.”

(Oh you think so do you? Well Dave you might find it more difficult, a lot, lot, lot more difficult than you imagine. What are you going to do when you lose the oil revenues just as they are REALLY growing?”

DC – “I’ll be off then Alex. Such a pleasure to speak with you as always.”

“Thank God that’s over, I’ll be able to get on with some real business of government like speaking to that chap at the foreign bank who thinks I’m just the man to help them grow and they will be very grateful and supportive once I leave politics. As for Alex, the gloves are off!)”

AS – “It was an absolute pleasure to chat. Say hello to Angela and Nicolas for me when you speak with them next. They are very interested in the future of Scotland. I’d even go so far as to say they are supportive. Bye for now Dave, take care now”.

(Pleasure? I think not. Any more crap from him and I’ll send Nicola down to speak with him. That will really tick him off. I’ll just drop in Angela and Nicholas to let him know I speak with them too. He’ll be very upset at that. Good job he doesn’t know what they say about him).

Alex outs phone down before Dave can respond.

ASS – “Alex that’s Dave back on the line for you”.

AS – “Ach, tell him I’ve gone into a meeting to deal with a complicated logistical issue”.

Alex leans back on his chair to consider the most pressing problem of the day so far. potential

AS – “Now where was I? Oh yes, should I have the yoke runny and need to ask for a napkin? Will John be able to cope with that? I know he’ll bring back the right change though. He’s good with figures, quite handy to have a nice guy like him around really and he brings in the most fabulous cakes and scones”.

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