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You’re warm, you’re warmer, you’re hot.. no you’re cold, you’re colder, you’re freezing!

11 Jan

The BBC reported earlier this week that the increase in CO2 in the atmosphere has delayed the on-set of the next ice age.

Now let’s ponder that for a moment. According to the IPCC, Al Gore and all the usual suspects the world is about to arrive at a tipping point resulting in runaway overheating unless we do something drastic in the next half hour. Not so apparently according to climate scientists. Now, we are actually in danger of freezing because an ice age is on its way.

Don’t worry though, we may only have half an hour to save the world, but we can do it. So get out there, fire up your 4×4 or your large engined limo or sports car and leave them idling for a while. Head back in doors and open all the doors and windows and fire up the central heating to its fullest possible setting. Switch all the lights on and ever appliance you have including the lawn mower, power tools, computers, game consoles, hairdryers etc. etc.

Rush to the supermarket and buy loads of stuff, which you can now carry home in as many plastic carriers as you like, maybe use two or three bags instead of one for each bag full. Race home again and start using the stuff you bought making sure that nothing, not a single things is recycled. This will give you more time to consume and to waste energy whilst creating loads of CO2 all in the name of saving the planet

Take several far off overseas holidays per year making sure you fly everywhere. Never walk again. Buy everyone in your household a car or better still, a 4×4 and make sure they take them everywhere. No sharing or giving friends lifts! They should be using their own cars or 4x4s, remind them at every opportunity that they must create as much CO2 as possible! Suggest to them that it is their moral obligation to the planet. Shame them into doing so.

Buy loads of stuff, which is made overseas, the further away the better. Remember food miles? Now it needs to be everything miles so we need to buy from as far away as possible and then some.

Why not really push the boat out? Take part in a world-wide event aimed at increasing CO2 in the atmosphere in some very far away, exotic and hugely expensive venue. Maybe, Cancun, Stockholm, Poznon, Durban… oh wait someone’s already thought of that.

The COPs (that’s a technical term for doing a bit of work, enjoying the fabulous weather and eating magnificent food at someone else’s expense) were to REDUCE CO2 in the atmosphere. How incredibly stupid and dangerous was that?

It was lucky for us all that the climate scientists found out that we had to have loads of CO2 in the atmosphere to avoid an Ice Age! If it wasn’t for those brave and clever people who told us to stop producing CO2 and then discovered that we should be making as much of it as possible, the government might have stopped giving them loads of money to solve global warming. They might not have had jobs by now and we would have been heading to a definite ice age, probably. Well maybe. Just like the 1970’s!

The one event that won me over to the global cooling cause, was the BBC news item which showed the government of the Maldives holding a cabinet meeting underwater to draw attention to the imminent and huge increase in the size of the Arctic and Antarctica. The reduction in sea level around their islands will be to such a unprecedented level that they’ll be able to walk between them. Not walking on water, that’s just silly; walking on what used to be the seabed, that’s a very bad thing. It was a powerful message.

The only way forward is burning as much fossil fuels as possible, and then some. More coal fired power stations will help but will need far more coal and whilst it’s easy to import coal from the other side of the world the climate scientists have suggest deep mining and strip mining are the way forward. They’ve suggested that we should take down those silly windmill things (whose idea was it to use wind power?) and start digging!

Digging for victory! What a super slogan. Heat, heat, heat and more of it to stop the cold, cold, cold.

But we don’t have much time. We must act swiftly. The very existence of our planet and of course ourselves is at stake.

It’s frightening but I am confident we can do it!

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