I am dismayed at the news that British troops are being sent to Mali. The loan of two aircraft and aircrews was a step too far for me never mind troops being used. I can’t say that I have much confidence that a UK involvement will not grow and grow.
There is a bright light on the horizon though. Thank goodness.
We actually have a force in the UK that could form a very robust military force, which we could feel happy to deploy and we wouldn’t mind too much about any casualties.
Let me introduce their leader, the main man who has already gained vital and very useful military experience. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome our new leader of all things military, Prince Harry of the House of Windsor. Yes, that’s right. I actually saw him on the TV news discussing how he’d personally shot people who were, obviously shooting at him or at least some of his mates anyway.
He has led an impeccable life. He is a model for us all to follow. His exploits in the military speak for themselves, he has more medals than Chris Hoy although his thighs are significantly smaller. He took Las Vegas by storm and stood it on it’s head. He personally invented the new liberating phrase – “What happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas it gets plastered all over the papers, TV and the internet”.
Oh yes he is the man. He doesn’t go along with convention. He is brave enough to expose bodily parts ,which the rest of us mere mortals keep hidden and he’s comfortable knowing that his aging Grandmother saw them too. What a guy. Just what a guy.
Slight draw back? There’s only him. He doesn’t have a gang as such. His brother is far too busy thinking up baby names, worrying about his disappearing hair and what his sister-in-law is going to do next. Not to worry though because, you’ll be surprised to know, I have another plan for you. Oh yes.
We have had another hidden military asset being hidden in full view for many, many years. They have all the answers, they don’t mind going outwith of the rules and they really like wars and shooting and stuff. They number three in their composition. They are our beloved politicians at all levels, the civil service, councils and the establishment and the ladies and gentlemen of the press and media in general. In reserve we will also have the Greens, climate scientists, medical experts, mouthy slebs and the terminally offended.
Harry is at this very moment arranging transport to get them all off to Afghanistan, Mali, Syria… you name the trouble spot, they will be there. They will be equipped in the same manner of our present military who will be home from all conflicts within days. They will have to buy a lot of their own kit and pay for their own care and rehabilitation as is the case presently for existing military. This will pose no problem for our mighty new fighting machine.
You’ll be wondering what will happen if some of them bruise a knee or split a nail etc. Well they’ll be so busy beating all our (well theirs really) enemies that they won’t have time for the niceties of personal grooming etc.
Of course some may succumb to injuries received in the field of battle. Some will, alas , not make it home whilst still alive. Yes I know it’s shocking but that’s war is it not? They are keen on war, they are keen to make people do what they think they should and they have never been shy about coming forward and saying how wonderful they are.
What happens when they start to get killed? Easy. They have already thought of that. Into a box, onto a huge aeroplane and then taken to Brize Norton and slipped out the back gate. Their funerals will be very quiet affairs. No need for TV coverage.